Be alert: jobs, children, sickness, stress or problems with other family members can be hazardous to your marriage.
Catch the early warning signs and you can prevent divorce.
If you are concerned about your marriage, trust those feelings. Couples often wait up to six years before they seek marriage counseling even though they have begun to feel distant from each other. Don’t be a part of this statistic. Divorce doesn’t have to be in your future.
The biggest warning sign that your marriage is in trouble is your feelings. Listen to them; listen to what is in your heart. All too often couples wait, and when they do that, the pain may have hardened into scar tissue. Then, even your marriage counselor may have trouble bringing you back together.
Most couples will tell me that after they had their children there just seemed to be no time to catch up with each other. Date night became a thing of the past. Going to bed at different times became the default evening.
Being too tired to talk without being reactive and defensive sets the tone for most evening conversations.
If you recognize yourself in any of these dynamics, don’t panic. Just be happy that you have caught it early and want to change the evolving chasm between you. You are not alone. Other couples experience this during these times, but it does not lead to you losing each other.
Excellent communication without blame or defensiveness makes all of the difference. But this requires skills that they did not teach in your sexuality course in high school. Learning to call timeouts before an argument gets out of hand, is a master’s degree course. Learning to hear your partner when being attacked, without saying, “But you…” deserves a merit badge.
Trust your sense that things are not going well. Tell your partner how much it would mean to you to use therapy to discover new tools and skills for staying close. Care about your spouse’s fear that you are going to make him/her into the bad guy.
Say you only want to have a professional change your patterns of interaction so that you hear each other and can find win-win solutions. Learn how to validate your partner’s experience and appreciate how you might, in their shoes, experience the same feelings.
You can do this without giving up a sense that your concerns are valid too. Your may need a seasoned coach to help you discover the relationship that you have longed for. Take that first step to getting help.
If you are in New York City or Westchester, give me a call to set up an appointment to discuss your specific concerns. It’s not too late. You can reach me for a confidential call at 914-548-86545 or email me at jimwalkup@gmail.com,
