Do you ever feel like your man doesn’t understand you. Maybe you feel frustrated because he just seems dense. Things that seem obvious to you don’t seem to occur you to him. As a premarital marriage counselor in New York City and in Westchester County, I have worked with couples for over forty years. I have continued to look for ways to address help women reach out to men so the two can deal with this problem of lack of understanding.
What’s the best to way to tackle this and end the disappointment? You guessed it: communication. However, you will need to offer it at a good time in the right tone of voice with well thought out suggestions.
Here I will map out five areas that many couples do work through with great success. By doing so, they feel much more connected and loved.
1. Your Preferred Love Language
Let’s start with the little things that tend to make you feel loved. Just because your partner’s mother loved to have flowers from his father does not mean you will do a dance when he brings a dozen roses into the house. Just because your mother loved it when you cleaned the house doesn’t guarantee that you will gain brownie points when you spend all day cleaning the garage.
You’ve heard of the concept of different strokes for different folks. If you say, “Je t’aime” to your partner, who does not understand French, don’t be surprised if it goes over his head. So teach your partner your language of love.
What’s the best way to get your partner to ring your chime. Catch him doing something right. Let him know about the little things that mean so much to you. If your partner spends time listening, and that feels like a major gift of care, find a time to express how you felt heard and understood. You’ll find yourself amazed at how that leads to further similar moments.
If you have not heard of the five languages of love, you might want to explore Gary Chapman’s site: https://www.5lovelarnguages.com/. Here you will find quizzes and resources to understand this further.
You will learn that some of us love to have someone just listen, while others wanted to be touched, hugged or have sex. Others cherish gifts. Some even find deeds of service to go high on the Richter scale of feeling loved. Finally, you may have realized that you just walk around feeling warm inside after you receive words of affirmation.
These little actions may not feel obvious to your beloved. Rest assured when your partner begins to see the results of his energy poured into your preferred love language, he will get the picture. When you respond with that excitement in your eyes, more will come. That will be especially true when you double back and say, “Thank you” with specific clarity about what worked.
I remember one client saying that when she started to reach out to her best love forever with some hugs and intimate touch (his particular love language) he was like putty in her hands. So don’t be afraid to speak in your lover’s love language as well.
2. When He Interrupts You And You Feel Frustrated
We know that introverts need time to recharge after putting out a lot of energy around a bunch of extroverts. Even if you don’t see yourself as an introvert, you may need to come home and catch up with all that has happened. You may be the type who wants to reflect on what it means to you. If your main squeeze bursts in and asks you how you are, you may find your self reacting abruptly at the intrusion.
First of all, you need to explain that you are reviewing all that happened and don’t even know yet what you feel about the day yet. If you let your spouse know that you feel so much better if you get this time, he will probably feel a readiness to support it.
Sometimes following a commute at the end of an eight hour day, your kids took over the minute you walked into the door. You will have to explain that even the time on the train did not refresh your batteries. You may need to ask for a time to read for twenty minutes, or just cook alone if it’s your turn.
However, you will want to show sensitivity if you discover your loved one feels the same and needs an equal chance to make sense of the world. Opening conversations about how to meet both your druthers will save the day.
3. When You Have ADD
Similarly, you may have to teach your husband that since you have ADD, you may have trouble concentrating. When he comes in to ask you how you’re doing, and you have just settled into doing the taxes, you may erupt with a vituperative reaction that’s totally undeserved.
By helping him understand the challenge of keeping your mind on stuff that you’re not dying to do, you will find more cooperation. Warn him ahead of time, so that he knows that you will be a much nicer person without any noises or questions. Let him know the moment when you can promise to be free to talk again. You can celebrate when you send the envelope off to the IRS or even just finish your business deductions.
4. Do You Find Yourself Wanting To Say, “You just don’t understand that…”
You may even notice a bit of condescension or self-righteousness creeping in your voice. Of course, you want your partner to read your mind. When you first fell in love, you probably felt that happened more. All of us would like to go back to times when our mother could distinguish between an “I need a diaper change”cry, and “I need to be fed ” cry. You didn’t have to say a thing to make her understand.
Well, when couples are doing fifty-eleven things, they become stressed . They often don’t get that the sense that other is getting them. So here’s my suggestion. Find the right time and the right place, by asking if it is. Then say, ”There’s something that I would love to have you understand about what’s it’s like to be me. I want to find a way to help you appreciate that when this thing happens.. I find myself beginning to imagine………………and then I start to feel………… Can you see how I might get there?”
What you are doing here is working around the attacking statements that kick off a counter-attack response from your beloved. Using the above way of sharing your concern, you will increase the chance of getting your partner on board with you.
For example, if you want best friend forever to catch up with a pet peeve of yours, try this: “Sometimes in the middle of the night when I go to the bathroom and don’t turn on the light because I don’t want to awaken you, I stumble over towels and almost break my neck. Since I have mentioned this and they are still there, I begin to imagine that what I say doesn’t matter to you. So I begin to feel distant and want to withdraw from you. I would love it if you could kick them over to the side so this doesn’t happen again. This would help me crawl back into bed and snuggle up beside you and fall right to sleep.”
In this way, you have owned why it’s upsetting and asked for something that might keep you from feeling responsive.
5. When You Just Want Him to Listen And Not Tell You What To Do
Do you ever feel like you just want to share what has happened and not have him decide he starts to fix the problem? You see he probably actually does not get it that you want to explore with him what has happened and what it means to you.
He’s used to having a man come to him only when that mind needs an answer. His fix-it response may drive you crazy. If you know that he’s just responding like a man, the two of you can work it through.
You see, way back in our early human evolution, men would go off to slay the wild animals for some food. The women would stick together around the campfire with their children. So their brain evolved to share and talk and bond for protection. They weren’t asking each other to tackle the world’s problems, they would empathize and bond.
More and more women have fewer friends because they are working as well. They turn to their spouse at the end of the day to relax and connect, and their spouse stays in a solve the problem mode.
Here’s how to work around that problem. If you know what you want. tell him. Get his attention saying you would love to share something . Then catch him up it has been like to be you during the day. Let him know you are not seeking any solutions or yearning to have him pontificate about what you should have done.
Once he gets it how close the two of you get when he simply listens and validates and appreciates you will become a different couple. Again, double back and underline any times when you felt loved because the two of you relaxed into a meaningful catching up with each other.
So to summarize, remember this:
- Make sure the two of you teach each other your preferred love languages and communicate with them often.
- If you want some peace and quiet, negotiate for it in advance and be sure to come out when promised.
- If you have ADD, invite your partner to understand how hard you find it to concentrate and encourage him to hold his questions until later.
- Avoid the temptation to say, “You understand and say instead, “I would love to let you know what it’s like to me and explain.”
- When you want to bond through just talking, ask him to take his problem-solving hat off and catch up with your deepest yearnings.
Final Words
May your sincere negotiations bear much fruit in helping the two of you build a marriage to last a lifetime.
If you liked this article, you might want to read other articles by Dr. Jim Walkup, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. You may want to explore your issues with a free 15-minute telephone or Face-time conversation. Call him at 914-548-8645. Consider setting up an appointment in Southern Westchester, NY. He has helped many couples like you create new excitement and meaning in their relationship.
Updated 4/4/22
