In a word, the answer is “YES”.
Yet, women and men often disagree about this. Let me say that from a marriage counseling perspective, emotional affairs have just as much power to break up a relationship as one that involves sex. Many men think that if they have not had sex, than they have honored the marriage vows and the wife should not worry.
Some men, but not all, feel just as strongly about this as women. They recognize that the emotional closeness that their wife has shared with another means much more than something that has been purely sexual. On the other hand both men and women, at times, cannot seem to get the image of their partner having sex with someone else out of their minds.
All of that said, many women still describe feeling even more hurt by an affair of the heart. This is especially true when they realize that their partner has shared many deep feelings with a mistress that are very intimate and private in nature. For many woman the emotional closeness implies a much deeper relationship than if the relationship was just sexual.
For most of my clients, an emotional affair is particularly tricky to deal. This is especially true with when the sense of being deceived has been denied by your partner or when your spouse denies that anything of importance was going on. He may brush it off as a necessary closeness that happened at work or describe it as a great friendship. Yet you have a sense that your partner has pulled back from you for awhile and now you know why. Upon discovery, you may be staggered by the intensity of their closeness when you look at the emails and cell phone bills.
Because of this, emotional affairs can be crushing and difficult to heal. While there is no technical indiscretion, the betrayal is felt deeply nonetheless.
Sometimes, all that’s needed is education to help partner’s see and feel what this kind of distancing can do to a marriage. For other couples, the work is deeper and involves digging into the values the couple shares about fidelity, connection and trust.
Either way, it’s not a death sentence to the marriage. Couples can, and do recover when they have support and tools to help get their mutual needs me. -Dr. Jim Walkup
If you’re struggling with an affair impacting your marriage (either an emotional affair or a sexual one) affair recovery counseling can help. Not all marriages can be saved, but with some work, we can determine what can be done and what hopes there are for your future. I’ll tell you this: affairs are not a prescription for divorce. That is a myth. If you’re in need of help, I offer affair prevention and recovery support in my Midtown Manhattan and White Plains offices for couples and individuals. Give me a call 914-548-8645 to talk about whether marital counseling would benefit you at this time.
Click for more articles on extramarital affair recovery by Dr. Walkup
Other resources on the Web:
“The Impact of an Extramarital Affair on the Children:” From the New York Times
“Infidelity” – definitions and thoughts fom the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
“Chaste or Cheating? The Difference Between Flirty and Unfaithful”-article from Lifescript: Healthy Living for Women
