Why Can’t We Just Forget about the Past and Move on?
If you have confessed to what happened between you and your liaison, you may be feeling a sense of impatience that your partner seems to brood about the affair and constantly and go over the same questions. You may be wanting to say, “Enough already! Can’t we just move on and create a new relationship?”
Let me urge you to be very patient at this point. Yes, I know, you probably don’t want to look forward to coming home to play twenty questions. You feel like you have been honest and open about everything and you resent having to be cross-examined each time your partner has a moment with you. You may even be getting calls at work when you are having enough trouble focusing on the challenges there.
Again, let me urge you to be patient by getting some insight about what’s going on with your partner. Basically your partner feels that you have misled her and she can’t be sure if you have told everything. If she had to look at your emails to find out this relationship was in progress, how can she be sure you have told her everything or will in the future?
In spite of your commitment to build something new, he may be fearing that the relationship could pick back up again. He could be fearing that if you could lie once, you could lie again.
Often the one thing that your partner will come to trust is that you have found time to be open to any of the questions. One of the common questions will be “Why?” if your partner knows your affair partner, she may feel that this person is not attractive enough to merit your attention over her. Your willingness to reflect more on the issue helps your partner trust that your are not being callous about her fear that it could happen again.
Moving on to you may mean that you will not be subjected to accusations that you think are unfair. But to the person who has lost you to an affair, there may be a wish to hold you in a place of constant scrutiny so as to prevent it happening again. Remember you earn that trust by showing you are very committed to working on the real issues that have made your marriage less than ideal.
Click for More Articles on Extramarital Affair Recovery by Dr. Walkup
Other Resources on the Web
“The Impact of an Extramarital Affair on the Children:” From the New York Times
“Infidelity:” Statement from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
