Will I Ever Be Able To Trust Again
Once you have experienced your partner’s betrayal, you will find it hard to believe that you could ever trust again. Now that you know that your partner has lived a whole separate part of his or her life without your knowing anything about it, you may feel you will never be certain about what he might be doing. Your partner’s crossing the line of hiding this affair from you can become a breach that you imagine your suspicions will never let you let your guard down again.
Take heart. You will have many “flashbacks.” You will feel enraged that your partner could destroy something that you feel so sacred. Yet trust can be rebuilt. You can’t just take a leap of faith. You cannot just will yourself to block out everything that happened.
But you can begin to notice signs of a new partner emerging before your eyes. You may notice that your partner is actually listening to your tirades with care and not getting defensive. You may feel surprised when your partner cares enough to be attuned to moments when you feel suspicious and give you a call or let you check in so that you are reassured. Your partner may patiently comfort you when you wake up after a bad dream and hold you until you fears subside.
While you cannot take a blind leap of faith towards trust, you can be open to changes that might never have had happened in your past life together. If she checks into how you’re doing and seems moved by your down days, you can grow in trust. If she reaches out without defensiveness but simply says, I am truly sorry that you are going through this, you can begin to hope that your partner really wants to be with you.
But what if you sense that he is trying and you are not buying it. This requires a new kind of discernment that you will find quite challenging to make. If your partner seems constantly impatient that you have not gotten over it, beware. When he feels frustrated that you keep living in the past, be careful.
However, you may have a deep sense that you are not really finding inside the freedom to move towards forgiveness. Even though one part of you recognizes that your partner has grown toward reaching out and seeking to care about what you are feeling, you may still find yourself constantly resentful and cold.
Care about the depth of this feeling. Sometimes a partner’s present betrayal makes you relive a deep sense of betrayal in childhood. You may have grown up with abusive parents or you may have felt that you could not trust the ones you were dependent upon. In your childhood moments, you may have promised yourself that you would never let anyone have the power to make you feel so isolated and alone again.
But in fact, this is exactly what your partner has triggered. Do not forget that you have many tools and resources to deal with the present onslaught of feelings. Find a counselor who can help you connect to your strengths now. This may help you may deal with the challenges of your partner’s betrayal rather than reliving your childhood abandonment.
Click for More Articles on Extramarital Affair Recovery by Dr. Walkup
Other Resources on the Web
“The Impact of an Extramarital Affair on the Children:” From the New York Times
“Infidelity:” Statement from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
