Brides and grooms make thousands of decisions and spend good money getting the reception, house of worship, officiant, flowers, invitations, and honeymoon to grow together, hopefully for a lifetime. But what about investing in securing the right tools and skills for your relationship by engaging in premarital counseling sessions or a workshop?
My Most Popular Article
People turn to Google to figure out what they should explore before saying their vows. Thousands have logged into “12 Topics And 75 Questions Every Couple Should Talk About Before Getting Married.” Look at the premarital tab above for other articles for engaged couples.
Some answer the questions and move on to getting married. Other couples need more. They run into some hot topics that they want to sweep under the rug. In fact, while exploring the topic, they become enraged just trying to discuss them.
Reasons Might You Be Feeling Uncertain Or Hesitant?
You are not alone. I remember feeling some concerns before Betsy, and I got married. Very often, one or both partners get cold feet while making plans for the wedding.
Let me suggest some of the reasons:
- You recognize that you approach things very differently and tend to fight about it
- When you get upset, you don’t tend to end the argument well
- Your parents or friends express concerns about your choice
- You fear your partner’s drinking habit
- Your partner gets possessive when you see your friends
- You sense that you could easily lose yourselves in work and become distant
- You don’t admire some of your fiancé’s values
- Somehow you have a deep gut feeling that you should not make this commitment
Taking Your Concerns Seriously
You deserve to have a forum for discussing these issues. If your beloved tends to shy away from dealing with your anxiety, suggest that you explore this hesitance in some form of premarital counseling.
Different Options For Dealing These Fears
- Seek help from a clergy person who performs your wedding
- See if your religious group offers something like Pre-Cana or other workshops for engaged couples
- Engage a Marriage Counselor who does Premarital Counseling
What I Embrace As A Mission
As a marriage counselor, I often work with couples in crisis who come later into their marriage. Research suggests that couples who know they have problems wait an average of seven years before seeking therapy.
I savor the opportunity to help couples avoid these pitfalls. I love providing the tools and skills to avoid the craziness of a marriage going awry.
Different Opportunities for Working With Me
- Six-hour sessions of Premarital Counseling in my NYC office across from Grand Central or my office in White Plains, just up from the train station
- If you live in New York State, I could meet you for these sessions using Zoom. I am not licensed to practice with people outside of the state.
- Possible group workshops or sessions where you meet with other couples with some individual couple work.
You are welcome to travel to one of my offices to engage in a six to eight-hour intensive or spread out over weeks.
How Would You Prepare For This Time?
- Discuss with each other: “12 Topics And 75 Questions Every Couple Should Talk About Before Getting Married.” Bring the hot questions to your sessions or workshop.
- Identify any potential bumps in the road that you believe could be areas for focus for sessions.
- Take the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator, a questionnaire to help the two create a working model of how each of you.
- Gathers energy,
- Discerns information
- Makes decisions
- Likes to make decisions, time-wise.
Some couples are fairly similar, and some are quite different. Neither way determines whether you will have a good marriage. Yet, understanding likeness and disparities can give you a leg up on not taking things personally. Knowing your partner’s type will help you work and play together with less conflict.
- You will plan on describing to me why this person, of all the persons who have crossed your path, has captured your heart to make this commitment.
- Finally, I will invite you to take the Gottman Relationship Checkup, which will, in turn, give me 35 pages of data to help me focus on the best use of our time.
John and Julia Gottman, two of the best relationship researchers in this country, have organized the many factors that make a marriage work. This will help you anticipate the trouble spots and find tools for dealing with the trouble spots in your life together.
What To Expect From Your Premarital Retreat Or Premarital Counseling Sessions
Let me promise you that as we deal with these serious issues, we will laugh a lot. In my work, I see my job as helping you discern ways to have the best possible chance of making your marriage sizzle.
I will not sit in judgment about whether you should get married. Instead, I will stand beside you to clarify ways of interacting to help you problem-solve effectively. With the right skills, your concerns may diminish.
If you run into huge roadblocks, you will know if you need further help before walking down the aisle.
How We Will Spend The Time
Our First Session
- I will ask you to introduce me to your fiancé. You will focus on the strengths and values that you have come to admire in the other
- You will highlight the positive aspects that you have learned in your interactions. This will include how you have dealt with challenges so far
- Then, you will have a chance to identify the concerns you want to tackle before we finish
Second and Third Session
- I will meet with each of you alone to discover any concerns that would be easier to clue me into before talking together.
Fourth Session
- I will share some of the basic tools and skills that most couples need to learn to make their marriage go smoothly.
Fifth Session
As detailed in your Myers Briggs Type Indicator results, you will explore your similarities and differences.
- I will name how your similarities will help you approach things from the same angle
- I will suggest tools and skills deal with the differences that often lead to conflicts in relationships
Sixth Session
This will serve as your chance to hear the results of the Gottman Relationship Questionnaire:
- I will celebrate with you the gifts of your relationship and what you are already doing right
- You will explore the problematic themes that the questionnaire highlight
- I will begin making suggestions for interacting in different ways that will lead to your feeling closer
Seventh Session
In this final session, we will:
- Pick up on the remaining concerns that led you to participate in this premarital counseling
- You will explore any final roadblocks that you feel might keep your relationship from thriving
My Background
I must acknowledge I have a special investment in encouraging couples to engage in premarital counseling. I once told my fiancee, Betsy, that I would never marry someone who had not been in therapy. She broke up with me. Then she began her course of counseling, including premarital work. We feel confident that we would never have stayed married for over forty years if we both had not engaged in therapy.
As a NY State Licensed Marriage Counselor, I bring a unique set of skills to help you get your marital journey off on the right foot. Couples have appreciated my cutting to the chase to identify the underlying issues that could challenge your relationship quickly.
I have taught St. John’s University courses to Postgraduate Marriage Counselors and served as the New York State Association of Marriage and Family Therapy president. I also bring the experience of being a retired minister. While I have never held a pulpit, I have worked in a counseling center sponsored by congregations. Ministers have referred couples to me because some couples do wish to use their spiritual journey as a springboard for deepening their bond.
While some couples have no interest in exploring this part of their experience, others appreciate my grounding in the scriptures. Such familiarity allows me to expand some places where certain childhood understanding of God or the customs of your tradition might become a roadblock in your marriage.
A difference in faith traditions will require you to communicate to understand what each means to the other. Dissimilar family cultures create a need for compassionate understanding and communication about what these mean to each of you.
With over 40 years of experience as a therapist, I recognize and teach the tools and skills that make a marriage work for the long haul.
Take A Leap Of Faith To Invest In Your Relationship
Prepare to nurture the love you feel so that you can remain firmly committed even in the hard times. You will find your time spent will serve you well as you come to know each other at a deeper level.
I usually charge $325 an hour for my sessions. However, signing up for a special summer package of 6 sessions will cost $16oo until September. For demonstrated financial need, I offer a sliding scale. Some couples plan to set up future appointments throughout their relationships as a tune-up. They see this as scheduling a regular health checkup with their internist.
Text or call me at 914 548 8645 or write to Jimwalkup@gmail.com to learn further details. And while you’re dialing the phone, imagine walking down the aisle at your wedding with this new sense of confidence.
Updated 4/1/22
