Pregnancy: Danger Zone for Your Relationship
Pregnancy rates as one of the best and worst things that can happen to your relationship. Partners will often say that the achievement, that they are proudest of, is their children. Yet statistics reveal that marital satisfaction dips with the inception of the first child and rises again when the last child leaves for college.
This may surprise you. You may have assumed that the joy of starting to build a happy home would certainly thrill any couple. Be alert. Be cautious. This can be a time when couples begin to drift apart. One of the most tragic discoveries occurs when a pregnant spouse finds out her husband is having an affair.
When you think about the issues, you will probably recognize the problems. A wife begins to turn her attention to building a nest. A husband often throws himself to making a higher standard of living now that a kid is on the way. Sometimes couples move from less lovemaking to almost no cuddling.
Then when the baby arrives, mom will of course be turning lots of attention to this charming little character in her life. Husbands, who do not quite know where to fit into this picture, begin, instead, sharing with a woman at work about all of the problems, a new intimacy begins, and affair is poised to happen.
But now that you are alerted to this danger zone, let me assure you that having children is not an automatic setup for marital disaster. Consciousness alone will help the two of you pay attention in a new way to the relationship issues. Yes, you will experience significant changes in your lifestyle. But being awake and aware to the perils, you can commit to giving a high priority to strengthening your marital bond.
Some of the basics for maintaining intimacy pertain. Simple things like offering a genuine hug and kiss when you leave your home and when you return can make a huge difference in your feeling connected. Find each other and greet each other with joy. Let yourself increase your awareness of the beauty of having someone to come home to who wants to know how your day went.
You will find it helps to know what your partner is up against during the course of the day. Knowing about the appointment with the doctor, the problem with the boss, or the struggle with your relationships can give the two of you something to check in on when you come home. So sometime before parting from your beloved, find out what his or her day will be like. Come and home and ask each other about how things went.
Have a ritual for connection. Some couples enjoy checking in a couple times a day whether by phone, voice mail, email or instant messaging. For some partners this is an intrusion on your focus and you would prefer to connect at the end of the day. Be open to what works for the other and do it some even though it may go against your grain a bit. At any rate, be sure that you create the custom of sitting down, looking at each other in the eye and finding out what’s up.
Now if you are like some husbands, you may want to put work behind you and not take the problems of the day home. Your wife may be frustrated that you never share your feelings. Head this problem off at the pass by at least thinking in advance of a moment that you can share about your day. You and your partner will feel connected. But be alert one or both of you may need a break to unwind before you connect. People who put out all day often have to recharge a bit before they can connect. Doing this with children around become even more difficult, especially when you both need it.
Don’t forget the Friday night dinner. With the arrival of kids, many couples quit going out together to have fun. Their experience of their relationship gets focused around the challenges of balancing time to take care of the kids. In such a case, your relationship can be lost in the hubbub. Don’t let this pattern become the norm. Even if you don’t have the money to go out for an expensive meal, find a relative, neighbor, high school kid to be there so you can take a long walk. Look for free concerts or anything that you would enjoy together. Constantly expose each other to the experiences that help you remember what you love about the other.
Tired parents are much more vulnerable to fighting. Couples can stand a fair amount of conflict if they have 7 times as much good interaction. Staying connected can increase the “positive sentiment override” for dealing with tough times. However, extended battles with no one listening to the other can be treacherous for a relationship.
Give each other the freedom to call time-outs. Whenever you start attacking and saying things like “you always and “you never,” you have crossed a line. Your heart beat is probably over a hundred beats per minute and you are now flooded. Back off and take a breather. When you are flooded, you are in the fight, freeze, or flight zone. You cannot think in shades of gray. Everything is about you being right and your partner being wrong. Hurtful statements will be hurled. Nothing will be resolved in such a state.
Agree to pick up when you both can be less reactive and explosive. Actually being able to hear each others point of view can contribute tremendously to resolving your differences and feeling close and connected.
On the other hand, many couples find sexual experiences to be very bonding. Yet the presence of children certainly demands that you be creative in making this happen. Open dialogue about the possibilities can help you find time in your schedule. I know, scheduling sex seems counterproductive but think of anything else that happens regularly in your life without it being planned in advance. Just recognize that if it’s important to you, than you need to make time for it to happen.
All of these suggestions can increase your chances of making the arrival of children a joyous experience. Instead of losing each other, you can feel the gratitude of knowing that your partner wants to care about you, listen to you and feel connected. Your love and trust can grow in spite of the challenges.
More Than Commitment: The Virtue of Loyalty: Helpful article for building rituals as you prepare for the new baby in your life.
New Parents Experience More Conflict And More Debt: Click for The Wall Street Journal’s Article on
