If a midlife crisis is affecting your marriage, look for the signs. Are you withdrawing from your intimate other because things seem empty? Do you find yourself feeling that you have been there and done that, and you’re not just dying to get out of bed in the morning?
When you get to work, do you find yourself wishing you had something different to do? Are you not using your gusto to get things done? Do you get lost on one of your screens and don’t talk much to your family when you get home?
Do you have trouble telling your friends about your life because, frankly, you don’t have that much to say?
Guess what? You may be finding yourself in a full-blown midlife crisis affecting your marriage.
Some people find the perfect niche to do what they can find meaning in doing for a lifetime. Most of us are not so lucky as that.
I remember directing the Counseling Center in Bronxville and loving the recognition that the position gave me in the community. I was creating a space for people of all income levels to seek help at various income levels.
But then I hit a wall. I realized that I did not want to raise any more money from these loyal people who had shown up our fundraisers to support our mission. The administration of running a center no longer rang my chimes.
I began to see firsthand how the lack of inner enthusiasm could become dark glasses through which I saw less and less excitement. I recognized as well how it colored my relationships, especially my marriage.
So let me explain ways your marriage will feel the impact of a time when your psyche is screaming that you need a mid-course correction.
Here are several signs that a midlife crisis is affecting your marriage
You will find yourself feeling heavy and lethargic.
Some may even tell you that you’re depressed. You will at times wonder if it’s worth it. You will have little or no energy to do things your lover wants you to do. Keeping up with your kids may feel like a burden you want to pass on to your helpmate.
You may even find less interest in sex. Somehow you may find yourself going to bed late or early, perhaps at a different time from your spouse.
You may find yourself going to work late or calling in sick.
Of course, your best friend at home will feel concerned about what’s going on. You may discover yourself bristling and hearing only criticism. You may demand that everyone leave you alone, and you need your man cave.
When your spouse utters those fateful words, “we need to talk,” you may find yourself wanting to do anything but that. Why? Because you may not be sure what is going on.
Please think of the teenager breaking away from his parents’ rules and values and pursuing her own values and interests. She may not know what she wants to do yet but is sure that her parents would not understand if she did.
When your wife says to you, “what’s wrong?” and you draw a blank. If you knew, you wouldn’t be staring off into space so much.
Yes, you may even break down and buy that sports car.
While others may smile with amusement, you know you want the excitement and the thrill of the acceleration as your silver bullet hugs the ground. Or you may find looking for other forms of distraction, such as getting caught up in an obsession with sports.
Drinking or drugs may become a significant problem.
One part of you knows that you are zoning out. You may not realize that you can’t face the feelings of what it would mean to contemplate something new and different. For too long, people have seen you as a particular kind of guy who works in this kind of world, and they may have trouble imagining something different. You tend to think of your options in a very narrow way.
The money constraints and the risks loom too large to consider creating a new world for yourself. Who knows if you will be marketable in any other sphere?
You may feel attracted to someone other than your spouse.
You may or may not have crossed a line here. But paying attention to early warning signs can save your marriage. If you have become bored, feel a bit down with a sense that’s nothing to look forward to, you are vulnerable.
You will find yourself looking for some excitement and find yourself sharing your deeper stuff with someone else. If you begin to do things that your beloved would look askance at, you can bet that you’re about to lose your head.
The seduction of falling in love when you’re in a midlife crisis will lead you down a dangerous path. People who know you well, your spouse, or even yourself would never guess that you could slip into this kind of temptation, much less throw caution to the winds.
If some, or most of these things, ring true, it’s time to face the truth about how your midlife crisis is affecting your marriage. And, don’t despair. There are ways to course-correct and get your life (and marriage) back on track.
You may have by chance happened across this article because you suspect that you might be drowning in a midlife crisis. Someone may have thrust this in your face to wake you up. Don’t kill the messenger. Work through your resentment at being called out and catch up with yourself.
To get on the right side of healing your midlife crisis, consider the following six steps…
- Review the signs mentioned above. Invite yourself to be a bit amused that you too are human. The time has come, and you are due for a new alignment. Even though the signs are classic and you would snicker at someone so described at a cocktail party, you still deserve compassion. Be gentle and understand that you had not realized how being in the same job and doing the same old thing had become downright depressing. Treat this time as a soul call waking you up to appreciate that you may be on the cusp of finding a much better use of your time and talents at this age and stage.
- Have a little humility. If you observed this in your best friend, whom you know valued his marriage, you would put your arm around him, take him aside and have a talk. He would not need a lecture but rather to hear that you can pick up the signs and are concerned. That’s what friends are for. Whether you have had suspicions about yourself or someone has confronted you (including your spouse), take time to let the anger pass. Your anger covers your sense of vulnerability. Lashing out may cut you off from needed support.
- Take time to catch up with your values. Instead, step back to assess whether, in the middle of your life’s journey, you have found yourself in a dark wood” to paraphrase the beginning words of Dante’s Divine Comedy. Let yourself conceive of the possibility that you are zoning out because you feel hesitant to change the course of your life. Do you want to drink too much, crash that sports car, or jeopardize your family with an affair? With the odds high on your spouse finding out, (at least that’s my experience as an extramarital affair specialist), are you ready to face the anger, hurt, and resentment, and betrayal your spouse will feel? Let me encourage you to think of this as an order and sequence issue. Instead, wouldn’t you want to discover what you want to do, bring your partner on board, and save your family?
- Consider stepping up to the plate and finding help. Have sympathy that it might feel easier to zone out than to do the hard work of discovering who you are and what you are capable of becoming. You may need to see a career counselor or a therapist to help you discover something that will give you a profound sense of meaning. I often find it useful to ask the question, “if you had ultimate courage and money were no object, what would you want to do with the rest of your life?” Without the concerns of money and anxiety, you may begin to focus on a deeper inner longing. Let your mind roam to all kinds of things you have done in the past and find that they were well received and came easily to you like falling off a log. What did you love to wake up in the morning to do? Of course, you are stuck at the moment because you do have fears, and you are not sure if you could afford your dreams.I have on my office wall the poet Mary Oliver’s quote, “Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” If you have read this far, I want you to drop down and let yourself ponder. If you don’t know, then you have some homework to do. You will find the task both daunting and yet in time exhilarating. Don’t get lost in distractions. Commit yourself to this time of soul searching. Discovering a side of you that’s bursting to emerge often seems easier when an adoring new face admires your every thought. Part of you knows that that path creates a form of cheap grace. You’re not doing your soul work to find your unique place in this stage of your life. Finding your way out of the dark wood requires that you recognize the place you are in and that you dive in with all of the gusto that you can muster.
- Create a sacred time each day to being journaling. Maybe you have thought this was for sissies, or maybe you have thought this entailed too much navel-gazing. Get over it. It would be best if you had it. Taking time to catch up with your thoughts (early in the morning if you can) will help you notice what matters and what counts to you. If you find yourself bored with what comes up at first, you may begin to experience your inner world-weariness. Writing the same old things will get to you and stimulate the energy to initiate some changes. Journaling becomes a way of setting your intentions. As you write, you will find it helps you create a to-do list with a sense of purpose behind it. As you get into its rhythm, you will notice the time of reflection becomes a habit what better way to catch up with what will lead you out of your maze.
- Trust your vulnerability with your spouse. As I mentioned earlier, you may fear that your beloved could not understand the emerging possibilities you are considering. His fears and fixed image of you may make him less than enthusiastic. A different spouse may hesitate to support what feels like to her like a pipe dream. If you find this to be the case, consider bringing a marriage counselor into the picture to help you strengthen your sense of where you are going. You will need to learn to communicate your longing and what these new thoughts mean. All too often, as you know, many people first share their vision with a person at work. This unfolding of your dreams could lead to a kind of closeness that leads to dangerous intimacy. The feeling that someone understands and supports you is different from what you fear may happen at home.
Hopefully, at home, you will take a risk and share the journey you are beginning to undertake with your intimate other. From your helpmate, you will have the support of a cheerleader who believes in who you are and what you can become. Reach for that and if you find yourself stuck, reach out to a marriage counselor to build the bond and partnership you will need to build a new life.
If you liked this article, you might want to read other articles by Dr. Jim Walkup, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. You may want to explore your issues with a free 15-minute telephone or Face-time conversation. Call him at 914-548-8645. Consider setting up an appointment in Southern Westchester, NY. He has helped many couples like you create new excitement and meaning in their relationship.
Updated 4/5/22
