Please find below some phrases that will offer you some marital help. Who knows you may avoid some marriage counseling before things tunnel down into more pain?
1. “I would love it if ….“ Not surprisingly, this phrase works so much better than “Why don’t you ever…” A simple request begun with this phrase invites your partner to please you rather than leading him to
Not surprisingly, this phrase works so much better than “Why don’t you ever…” A simple request begun with this phrase invites your partner to please you, rather than leading him to feel that you are criticizing.
Imagine at the right moment, saying, “I would love it if we spent some one-on-one time together. I enjoy our moments of talking so much.
Don’t let yourself feel surprised if your partner begins to come around. This softer approach leads to much less defensiveness when you attack for him never getting away from his computer.
2. “I was just remembering how much I enjoyed the time when you….” Pausing to recall when your partner did something right affirms your bond and affection.
Pausing to remember when your partner did something right confirms the strength of your relationship. It clues her into what rings your chimes.
If you reference the time when you took that walk, held hands, and felt close, you give her a concrete vision of what works for you. Specificity at a relaxed time invites. Constant disappointment begins to grate. Declaring your yearning in this positive way opens the door for brainstorming about next time.
3. “May I share what it is like to be me.”
This statement works when you want to talk about something that you don’t like.
Began by inviting your partner to tell you if this he has the time or not. Then you can describe an action, name what you imagined, and explain how you began to feel.
By saying what’s going on within you, you open up and become vulnerable. You see, this becomes the polar opposite of aiming a barrage of attack that suggests that your partner happens to come across as less than human.
This approach will kick up the least amount of defensiveness in your spouse.
For example, “When you came home late from work, I begin to imagine that you had had a drink with another woman, and I felt very anxious about our relationship. I feared that you might abandon me.”
In approaching it this way, you are revealing your struggle. Hopefully, your partner, rather than becoming defensive, can appreciate how the action of being late might have led to that thought, especially if you and your spouse are recovering an extramarital affair. Without triggering your partner’s armor, you have, instead, invited him to reassure you in a compassionate way.
Remember that vulnerability leads to intimacy.
4. “Let Me See If I Got You.”
Many times your partner will not believe it if you say, “I understand.” Take a minute to use this question, and then summarize almost in the exact words what you have heard. Otherwise, she may keep assuming that she has to keep reiterating what she feels confident that you did not get.
So you can say, “So when I keep interrupting you and don’t let you finish, you find yourself imagining that I am not listening, and feel hurt that I don’t care about what you’re feeling. Did I get you?” Your partner may agree that you have accurately captured her sentiments. Congratulations.
However assume the likely possibility that you did not get it. As a marriage counselor, my wife helps me to grow in humility when she says, “No, you only got a part of it.” And I am supposed to be a good listener.
Try listening again and summarizing again. If this time you scored a hit, ask, “Is there more?” Assume that there is or that you did not get the full gist in the first place, so relax, sit back and get the whole picture.
Then you have earned the right to share what you find yourself experiencing.
5. Validate with: “I can understand how you might feel that way because I know….”
Using this phrase, you offer your understanding of why this means what it does to the partner. You express an awareness of your spouse’s values or past that makes this feeling more intense. You will sense your appreciation of her deeper emotions.
For example: “I can see how that might upset you when I am attentive to the kids because I know how patient you much you want to listen to their feelings. I know you did not feel that happened in your family. I can see how you don’t want our kids to experience the same thing.
Now you have connected to the deeper meaning of what your partner has shared. She will feel heard, appreciated and validated. Score a big one for your marital bond.
May these tips usher the two of you into a new phase of less marital conflict and more joy in your relating.
If not, do not hesitate to reach out Dr. Walkup, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Set up an appointment in Westchester or New York City by calling him at 914 548 8645 or emailing at jimwalkup@gmail.com.
Many couples wait six years before they decide to seek help. By then the pain has hardened into a kind of scar tissue. Counseling at the right time can save you a ton of grief.
For more articles on building your marriage to last a lifetime, click.
