Why Can’t I Get Over My Anger?
You may be surprised at the intensity of your anger at your partner who has had an affair. You may be even more confused at how long it takes to let go of that anger because you keep having flashbacks when you see a movie or a television show. When you have sex you may wonder if your partner is really thinking of you. If you pass a place where your partner met with the other, your adrenalin may rush into your veins even though you have challenged yourself to move toward forgiveness and acceptance.
You may feel better to know that this is a normal response to a very traumatic experience. Yet you may wonder why every time you are with your partner you find yourself picking a fight and being sarcastic or contemptuous. Just as your partner does something sweet, you may find yourself striking out and dismissing the offering as inappropriate “under the circumstances.”
Let’s examine some of the conscious or unconscious reasons for holding your partner prisoner to your rage.
Let’s say you never knew, that someone who professed to love you, could hurt you so much. You never dreamed that you would find you couldn’t sleep or that you would have trouble eating. In response you may secretly want to make your partner feel the hurt as much as you have been hurt.
This retaliatory reaction has one problem: you can never make your partner feel the depth of anguish that you have endured. To attempt to do so is an exercise in futility and is especially self-destructive you want to rebuild the relationship. You are locking yourself in a loop that will keep you from healing.
Remember, we rage when we are feeling vulnerable. When you face the hurt and recognize that it could happen again, you may feel you have to angry just to keep your partner feeling guilty.
Standing on the precipice of the moral high ground, you may find yourself reluctant to let go but daily remind your partner of the torment you have suffered. Soon you begin to fear that if you let up for one moment your partner will fall back and reach outside your relationship for another person again.
But face it, your using the affair continually to drive home how awful your partner is, will only serve to drive your partner further away over time.
At the heart of your continued cold and condescending stance, may be a fear that not to do so will make you seem weak.
By staying angry you can continue in the relationship but never have to open up to reveal your yearning for the partner again. You won’t have to acknowledge that you still love him. It’s almost as if your opening your heart will invalidate your suffering and make it as though has done nothing wrong.
Believe me, if your partner has listened to your anger for many months and wants to stay, that partner already feels enormous guilt and shame. Your challenge is to move into what is real about the relationship now. It will never be the same and you may never forget what has been done.
But if you decide to work toward saving the marriage, decide your best bet is to become softer. You have a grief process to go through. Yet staying angry can only keep you locked into a loop that will make even you wonder why your partner is trying to work it out with.
Instead find those moments where your partner is willing to hold you when you cry. Be present when your partner genuinely acknowledges the depth of the pain and indicates sadness that the affair has led to all of this. Care about the fact that your partner is saying, “I do love you and I won’t ever do this again.” Let yourself be open to gestures of reconciliation. Listen to see if your partner seems to care even when you are angry. By doing so you can both face together the challenge of building a new future together. It becomes a “we” problem rather than you facing it alone as you might have been doing for a long time.
If you liked this article, you might want to read other articles by Dr. Jim Walkup, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. If you’re interested in counseling in New York, you may want to explore your issues with a free 15-minute telephone or face-time conversation. Call him at 914-548-8645 to schedule your appointment. He has helped many couples like you create new excitement and meaning in their relationship.
Edited 4/4/22
