Most couples experience communication as rating highest on their challenge list of a happy marriage. Usually we experience ourselves as understanding the other very well. Thank you very much.
In one research project however, partners were invited to make statements that could be interpreted in various ways depending on the intonation. So partners might say something like. “What are you doing?” Then the spouse interprets the meaning based by on the tone of voice. One could be hostile in the sense of “What is wrong with you” or just curious in the sense “What are you involved in right now.” Interestingly enough partners were no better than strangers at recognizing the intention of the speaker. Many times both were wrong.
When Harville Hendricks, the author of “Getting the Love You Want” gives workshops, he often seeks to remedy this problem by offering an exercise. One partner speaks about something of importance to them while the other simply listens. After the first partner has described an upset during the course of the day, the other responds with; “Let me see if I got you.” After summarizing the gist of what the first partner has said, the second partner asks, “Did I get you?”
Often it helps to be humble here. Many times the partner will respond by saying, “I did say the first part, but the second part did not quite feel like what I wanted to say.” So the first partner adds the nuance and again the other partner responds, beginning with, “Let me see if I’ve got you,” summarizes and again ends with the question, “Did I get you?”
While at first this seems a little tedious, couples soon discover that the deeper meaning of “Did I get you?” has to do with helping you get to the essence of who the partner really is. A partner may start out talking about how upset my boss was at me, but underneath may be realizing how much she want to leave her job.
So in communication with your partner, seek to “get” the real person underneath by allowing them to talk, summarize as accurately as you can, and then allow the partner to correct and go deeper into what really matters and what counts. In this way you will truly “get” your partner.
