You Don’t Have To Say What You’re Feelings
Have you ever been in the middle of a discussion and found some one saying to you, “Well I have to tell you what I feel”? You have been set up to expect that what will be said will probably be a confrontation about something that you have done wrong. Most people will react to this statement with defensiveness and want to counter-attack.
People do not have to tell you their feelings. They might want to, they may decide to, but they do not have to. Remember this when you get to a similar place and want to blow someone out of the water for what they have done to you.
If this person you are confronting happens to be your partner, take a deep breath. The wrong feeling expressed at the wrong time can lead to sleeping in another bed. Expressing those negative feelings that have been building up in you for months may give you an initial sense of relief but grapple with this often forgotten truth: “You have a choice about what to do with your feelings.”
Sometimes the better part of valor often requires that you hold onto those feelings for a while. I am not advocating that you always repress your feelings. I am simply inviting you to understand that feelings can be sticks of dynamite to hurl into the heart of your relationship and the damage done can lead to much unnecessary heartbreak.
Perhaps you read a pop psychology book back in the eighties that encouraged this kind of action. During this time of “anything goes” self-help specialists often advocated “just getting your feelings out” as the panacea for many ills. You may have even come to believe that sitting on your feelings might be the cause of all the problems in your relationship.
Don’t believe it. The research from John Gottman clearly indicates that one devastating comment (feeling) can overshadow seven good interactions. But unless you as a couple have really good rituals for making up and revisiting unfinished conflicts, don’t risk it too often. Don’t, particularly if you are working on rebuilding your relationship after some bad times.
Instead save your feelings for times when you both are rested, centered and open to exploring your conflicts. Inviting your partner to set a time to brainstorm about some issues may give you some good clues as to when you might best approach such issues. This usually is not on a night when you have stay late at work, when you have had a drink, or your stress level or depression level is at an all time high.
You might want to challenge something your clergy person may have said during your premarital counseling. Many about to be newly weds hear the admonition, “Now don’t go to bed angry.” The Biblical injunction about not letting the sun go down upon your wrath may help you to comfort yourself in your anger, but your spouse may not always be ready to do so. The good book may have been encouraging something a little different than staying up all night to solve your angst. Phyllis Diller once said, “Don’t go to bed angry. Just stay up all night and fight!”
Well that’s pretty much where staying up will get you. Sometimes you may find it more helpful to recognize that tiredness does not give you an edge on creatively listening to your partner’s feelings. The ability to hearing those feelings that “you have to be told” without seeing red and reacting accordingly fades long before David Letterman gives us listings his lists.
Yes, many times you will want to share a feeling as a step toward letting your partner know how much you find yourself feeling hurt by a particular behavior. Such feelings, if never expressed, can lead to a boring marriage or an affair. You don’t want to do that.
So just remember timing makes the difference. Inviting your partner to explore some things that are not working for you can get the ball rolling more naturally. In fact in John Gottman’s research one of the key factors in helping a relationship work has to do with “slow start up,” especially on the part of women. This means to begin with some affirmation your valuing of the relationship and your wish to continue in building the bond between you. Something about suddenly finding themselves in the middle of a verbal bombast that men were not expecting rankles them and increases the likelihood of defensiveness or stonewalling. Such precipitous intrusions do not for a quiet evening make.
Now this may sound like a anti-feminist rant about keeping women from claiming their power in a relationship. Please do not hear this as such. I suspect often many women also feel this need for a their partner to start things with affirmation as well. Gottman did discover that a slow start up on the part of women characterizes satisfying marriages. I am simply suggesting that male or female, you might want to start up these conversations with thoughts that underline your attachment to the relationship before you begin to share your concerns.
Let yourself find other ways to work off steam instead of having to tell your partner where they have erred in an attacking tone of voice. When you have moved from “having to tell a feeling” into a mood of sharing and wanting feedback, your comments will have more impact. Just a little caution and a readiness to listen to any reactive response may increase the likelihood that you are heard and that your comment will lead to change. In so doing, you may find a partner open and ready to explore possibilities of change.
