Whether you are just starting your marriage counseling or have been going for a while, you may still need clarification about how to make the most of it. Having certain things in mind can make all of the difference in whether you achieve maximum results. Here you will find some essential suggestions to gain success.
#1 Know what kind of relationship you hope to build
Many therapists begin with the miracle question. If you woke up after you had successfully completed your therapy, what would be different. How would you recognize that you have achieved your goals? You are spending time and money to accomplish change. It would be best if you gained some bridge-building between you that will lead to satisfying interactions. As you and your therapist become clear about this, you can have markers to recognize your progress.
For example, you feel a commitment to arguing less. You may yearn to have more meaningful sharing of exciting moments together. You each may want to feel less lonely. You may find yourselves recovering from the discovery of an extramarital affair. In each case, the two of you will have points of view of what your relationship will look like when you finish your work in therapy.
#2 Before each marriage counseling session, talk about the highs and lows of the past week. Then, see if you can name something specific about what you would like to focus on to change
You may have just had a big fight, and you wish to look at how you can head that off in the future. Clear the air if one of you said something that still feels upsetting. If you have disagreements with your in-laws or children, you can use the time to find new tips and tools for handling communication.
Some couples show up and need help figuring out where to start. Take the time to review any highs and lows from the past week. You may have even felt misunderstood in the last session and want to examine that.
Insofar as you are coming because of friction in the marriage, feel free to name what’s happening. Most partners like to know what you will bring up in the session. They may feel ambushed if you bring to the therapist something unanticipated.
#3 Begin the session by recalling a moment that worked
Rather than starting off with your frustration with your partner, recall a moment that left you feeling loved. You may have felt your partner really listened in a caring way. Perhaps you found yourself touched by your partner’s particular gift. Watching your beloved interact with your child, you may have felt moved by their play.
Often clients think therapy tends to fall into negativity. I tell most couples that my personal marriage counseling with my wife was my least favorite form of counseling. Individual counseling, you set the tone and focus on what you feel ready to tackle. Your partner may not always approach things that way. So beginning with the good moments can make all the difference.
I often recommend reading the book by Gary Chapman, entitled: THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. Couples find the premise quite simple.
If you say, “Je t’aime and your BFF does not speak French, they may not get the message of your love. Some people absolutely love gifts. Maybe even your mother appreciated gifts when your father came home with roses. However, your partner may prefer you write a love letter, finish the bathroom you promised, or love to feel your touch.
Doing what you would love does not always coincide with the gist of the golden rule.
If you don’t know what your intimate other’s love language is, ask the question: What did I do when you felt most loved by me?
Usually, the memory is pretty straightforward unless you haven’t known it or done it. In that case, ask: in all of our life, what did someone do
that left you realizing that they really loved you.
One woman reported that once she found her husband loved to be touched, he was putty in her hands. So spending time discovering each other’s love language can provide a natural springboard for change.
#4 Gain the skill of asking for what you want in a positive way
Unfortunately, most of us find ourselves dealing with frustration with an attack. You never come when you say you will. I feel like you would rather watch your football game than talk to me. Aren’t you ever going to recognize that you never say a nice thing to me? Usually, this means that your partner’s brain has undergone an amygdala hijacking. That indicates that his or her fire alarm system has gone off. So the easiest way to deal with that is to get angry and bash you about what you are doing wrong.
So how do you approach each other in ways that facilitate change? Some key phrases make the difference, such as asking for specific behavior. Beginning your request with this phrase opens the door: “I would love it if,” as in, “I would love it if you would call me if you cannot come home when you said you would.” This orients your beloved in a direction that does not chastise them for their bad behavior but instead makes it clear what you would prefer.
“It would mean a lot to me….” also works. When you say,” It would mean a lot to me if you would not talk to my parents about our arguments,” you clarify what you will find upsetting.
You give your partner insight into the norms that work for you.
#5 Be prepared to discover why you or your spouse may be avoiding something
Hidden behind most avoidance of change, you will discover a fear of having a particular worry. If you go around a pass and a mountain lion barely misses you and falls to a cliff below, you will find yourself avoiding going around the pass. Even you hear from the game warden that all mountain lions have been caught and taken away. Your body still will have a flashback to that experience, and you will not likely feel inclined to go around that pass ever again.
Think of the concept of a flashback. People who went through 9/11 and saw bodies falling from the tower can walk down a New York street and see the blue skies that were present on that fateful day. Suppose they felt traumatized by the planes flying into the buildings when they saw the blue skies. In that case, they will not remember but will relive the trauma of the world seeming to have come apart at the seams.
People passing a restaurant where they knew their partner had a date with an extramarital partner will not remember how awful they felt. Instead, they will relive the moment of realizing their relationship was turned upside down.
So come to your therapy expecting to find underlying reasons for your beloved’s reluctance or hesitance to change. Perhaps the recurring tendency to feel abandoned comes from a present circumstance with you and a childhood when a parent was sick or distant because of work. As you both discover the feelings buried in the body from trauma, you can feel much more compassion and work together to facilitate change.
#6 Consider taking notes before or after the session
I used to think that only lawyers took notes during marriage counseling sessions. Increasingly people are keeping pencils and paper available during the zoom sessions to keep track of significant points. I keep notes and feel that most clients benefit from doing so themselves. I have had clients who used to drive to their sessions from a considerable distance. They would record their sessions and listen to them on the way to the next session. Not surprisingly, they would begin the session with insight built from the energy we had worked on before.
#7 Don’t hesitate to give your relationship counselor feedback about what’s helping or what’s not working
Sometimes couples stop therapy without raising their concerns. I welcome feedback in the session or the following one about w\\en my style or approach is helping or missing the boat. I often wish I had more magic.
Yet sometimes, people have unrealistic expectations about how quickly therapy should work. Comparing notes about the progress can save the day. On the other hand, people find themselves thinking of quitting right before a potential breakthrough. You may find yourselves yearning for more improvement. Talking about it can alert your therapist to work with you from a different angle.
Knowing that your therapist realizes that he sounds just like your critical father or mother can help you approach things with less conflict.
#8 Support your marital counseling with outside reading
Many of my clients find it helpful to explore resources to augment their work with me. As you can imagine, I have put many hours into creating the articles for this website to provide insight into the art of excellent relationship counseling.
You may find yourself amazed at the slew of articles available on google if you type in your concern. Topics such as ending fighting or becoming more intimate can lead to valuable reading to support your growth as a couple.
Marriage counseling does not need to feel like a mystery. Planning ahead for what you want and talking to your therapist about what is or is not working represent positive steps.
Celebrating all the good moments when your partner has spoken in your love language can lead to satisfying moments of interaction. May you find yourselves growing by leaps and bounds as you wrestle with your problems and find joy in your playing together more.
If your marriage or relationship is in trouble because of infidelity, I can help you. I am available to help you in the state of New York. Please reach out, my calendar has openings now to support you on your journey. Feel free to give me a call at 914-548-8645 if that’s easier for you.
