12 Relationship Myths

1. If we loved each other enough, we wouldn’t have any problems (Click question to find answer below)
2. If my partner loved me, he/she should know what I want
3. I have to say what I feel
4. Getting all your feelings out will strengthen your partnership
5. If my partner would just change, our relationship would be great
6. Unless my partner talks about his feelings, I will always feel like I do not know him
7. If she would just be more rational, then at least we might get somewhere in this conversation
8. The perfect partner could make my life complete
9. If he were just honest, I could deal with anything he did
10. If we just had more sex, then everything would be great
11. Never go to bed angry
12. My partner had an affair because he didn’t love me anymore

Rationale
-1. Myth: If we loved each other enough, we shouldn’t have any problems:
Rationale: Relationships require knowledge of self, self assertion skills, listening skills, problem solving skills, hard work, and the ability to relax and have fun. With these resources you will find your relationship much more likely to thrive. Love alone is not enough

–2. Myth: If my partner loved me, he should know what I want.
Rationale: Often the more your partner gets to know you, many of your wishes will be clear. However, sometimes we yearn to slip back into a very young phase of life when mother knew when our crying meant we needed a diaper change, to be held and cuddled, or just needed to get to bed sooner. Since your partner has not been with you since the day you were born, he will probably need you to define that the subtle nuances of the things you want. Of course even then you may find your partner not picking up on your expressed wish. This can be quite disappointing and deserves to be explored in a time when both of you are in a relatively non-defensive place.

–3. Myth: I have to say what I feel.
Rationale: Saying much of what you feel helps partners to relate and make the relationship work. However sharing a negative feeling at the wrong time, in the wrong way will likely kick up a lot of reactive defensiveness on your partner’s part. In fact such a bombshell may lead to a very unhappy time. One does not have to reveal feelings in any given moment. You can make a decision to hold onto the feelings until a good time for sharing what it is like to be you arrives. Holding onto the feelings until the right time can save a marriage. However repressing your feelings without ever exploring your negative experience can lead to boredom and distance in the marriage

–4. Myth: Getting all your feelings out will strengthen your partnership.
Rationale: Again feelings need to be responded to with empathy, and care. Creative solutions need to be discovered. Exploring all of your feelings at once can be a script for disaster. The middle of the night when you are tired and exhausted will probably not be a time for creative brainstorming.

–5. Myth: If my partner would just change, our relationship would be great.
Rationale: Most marriage or relationship counselors find partners feel this way when they start therapy. As you grow you will learn to handle those things your partner does not change. Waiting until your partner changes simply is not an effective way to improve your relationship. Looking for ways to develop your own self-understanding and social skills can dramatically strengthen your partnership.

–6. Myth: Unless my partner talks about his feelings, I will always feel like I do not know him.
Rationale: Often feeling-type partners have desperate needs to hear their partner’s feelings and spend wasted energy confronting the partner about how they “never share feelings.” Many individuals easily explore rationales for things and others naturally explore their own inner yearnings. Some research even indicates that men are “hard-wired” to be less in touch with their own inner self. Repeated confrontation around this subject leads to even more defensiveness and hence withdrawal into thinking. Finding times to relax and share common visions and dreams leads to a more free-flowing exchange of thoughts and feelings.

–7. Myth: If she would just be more rational, than at lest we could deal with things.
Rationale: As indicated in No 5, individuals are different. You may have fallen in love with a partner who more easily accesses the part that you find most difficult. So some men seen to “allow a spouse to do the feeling for them.” Thinkers need to remember that feelings are facts, and facts need to be gathered as a part of any decision making process. Learning to listen all the way through by active listening will provide a much more acceptable environment for your partner to listen to the clarity of your logic.

–8. Myth: The perfect partner could make my life complete.
Rationale: In truth, only you can make your life complete. Sometimes we marry someone who does bring a new dimension into our lives. We believe that somehow by osmosis we will absorb this trait of our partner. But the hard work of sorting what you need in your life, identifying a way to get there, and setting things into motion remains up to you. You will make more progress by striving to live your life to the fullest and inviting your partner to share and enjoy your life with you.

–9. Myth: If she were just honest, I could deal with anything she did.
Rationale: If you have been raised in a family where you were punished for dishonesty, you will probably wince at any discovery of your partner hiding something. You may even become an expert at pointing out ways that your partner may be in denial about their denial. Other persons are raised in families where what mom or dad did not know kept them from being punished. Withholding certain things in that context seemed like the smartest thing to do. Once again the focus on “just being honest” can be a way of retreating into mutual defensiveness rather than looking at the roots of the deception and making it safe to be honest.

–10. Myth: If we just had more sex, everything would be great.
Rationale: Most couples experience a difference in sexual appetite. For men sometimes the demand to have sex becomes a way of resolving everything, rather than looking at the deeper issues that need to be explored. Your yearning to be more physical at times misses the disconnection that your partner may be feeling that keeps her from feeling close enough to enjoy sex with you.

–11. Never go to bed angry.
Rationale: The middle of the night tends to be a poor time to be creative in problem solving or hearing the nuances of your partner’s feelings. Ministers sometimes share this admonition in premarital counseling and couples feel the burden to stay up all night to work through an issue. Either partner would do well to recognize the degree to which clarity does not seem to be emerging. Continuing to talk will probably lead to things being said that neither of you will want to remember the next day. Couples find a great relief in agreeing to a cease-fire. If your partner tends to feel abandoned in such a moment, he/she will probably respond to setting a clear time and date for renewing the problem solving when both of you can think clearly. Do not forget to show up for the appointment ready to seek some meaningful win-win solutions.

–12. Myth: My partner had an affair because he/she does not love me anymore.
Rationale: You will find this a very natural response. However, affairs happen for many reasons including a midlife crisis. Often when one emerges out of the shell of an old sense of purpose (like giving up all of your time to make partner in a law firm) one feels empty and does not know what will make life seem exciting again. Like teenagers, your partner does not know what would work but cannot imagine that a parent or in this case a partner will understand. Again the pursuit of an affair can be a way to try to understand what one is searching for. Affairs mean very different things to individuals. Some of the differences lie in cultural expectations, what ones’ parents did, or just comes from a deep sense of loneliness. This does not excuse your partners having had the affair, because affairs have devastating impact on most relationships. Yet assuming that your partner no longer loves you may prove to be an erroneous perception. You will need to explore what your partner feels about you. Watch to see if your partner acknowledges the tremendous breach of trust, seeks to understand your pain, and then commits to seeing if you can rebuild the relationship. If this happens you may find working on relationship to be well worth the effort.