THE HEART OF RELATIONSHIPS: BEING THERE FOR THE OTHER

Perhaps, the two of you simply can not communicate or you have just had a useless fight. You may have even thought of divorce. Yet you know you don’t really want that.

Maybe one of you has a job requiring travel or late hours. The time left, goes to your kids. In the middle of the night, you realize you are losing each other. At times of crisis, you wonder if he/she will be there. You know something has to change.

I am so glad you have found this web site. Let this be your 911 resource for your crisis. Something has to change and I want to help you. I bring 40 years of experience in helping couples just like you. I can help you regain that “in love feeling”
Consider setting up an appointment today before the pain gets worse at 914 548 8645.


You Are Your Partner’s Best Mirror

 By Jim Walkup, Licensed Marriage and Family TherapistYou are your Partner's best mirror

Think back over the past few weeks.  If you added up the sum of positive interactions with your beloved, how high would they be compared to the negative ones?

Passing by you, did your partner hear an “I love you?” or was it a comment about something he had forgotten to do.  As you drifted off to sleep was there an affirming good night kiss, or a “don’t touch me, I need to go to sleep.”

Once you get it, that you can be your partner’s best mirror, you realize what a world of difference you can make as they move through the day.  As your wife goes off to teach, you can pass on the sense of how lucky the kids are to have her creativity and energy.  As she goes off to take on the challenging Board meeting, you can tell her how much you admire the effort she has put in to making it successful. When he comes home with deep frustration about his bosses comments, you can let him know that you have experienced an entirely different commitment to the work on his part in other areas.

Of course you need to find things that you can honestly affirm. Your partner will sense that you are spouting off blind positives.  However at the heart of good couple communication lies the desire to see your partner in compassionate ways.

When you pause, you can see what your partner cannot see in that moment. You know deep down some of the good intentions that your partner holds. You can appreciate the stresses and strains behind a missed effort.  You can be there to see how much more your partner has to offer than the present moment seems to reveal.

Perhaps more than anyone else, you can hold the faith for what your partner can become and offer the encouragement that will make that possible.  You beloved will never forget it.

Pre-Wedding Jitters

“Avoiding Cold Feet Down the Aisle,”  (http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/21/avoiding-cold-feet-down-the-aisle/?ref=health) a recent article in the NY Times, delineates ways to help you distinguish normal anxiety about getting married from danger signals that merit careful attention.

Strong feeling of knowing that this is the wrong person but getting married anyway  forecast a higher rate of people who later get divorced.

So when talking to a bride or groom who is willing to share their feelings of hesitance, take them seriously.  Often when people proceed too hastily with the marriage, they have found no one who will sit down and listen to their concerns and help them weigh them.  Instead with the societal pressure to finish the countdown they have plunged ahead.

The article suggests that encouraging   your friend or (even yourself) to write the issues down or talk to someone or a therapist can head off a later disaster.   By doing so, your friend or you can clarify what is normal pre-wedding jitters or reasons significant enough to justify postponing the marriage.  Premarital counseling can support this discernment.

Love the One You Love

Be alert: jobs, children, sickness or problems with other families can be hazardous to your marriage or relationship.  Catch the early warning signs.

If you are concerned about your relationship with your beloved, trust it. Couples often wait up to six years before they seek help even though they have begun to feel distant from each other.

Most couples will tell me that after they had their children, there just seemed to be no time to catch up with each other. Date night became a thing of the past. Going to bed at different times became the default evening.

Being too tired to talk without being reactive and defensive set the tone for much most evening conversations.

If you recognize yourself in any of these dynamics, don’t panic. Just be happy that you have caught it early and want to change the evolving chasm between you. You are not alone. Other couples experience this during these times but it does not have to be.

Click for More about Loving the One You Love

7 Feelings of Husband Who’s Had an Affair

After you have confronted him about the cheating, you may wonder what he is feeling.  Since he has betrayed your trust in such a painful way, you may find it hard to believe anything he is saying.

As someone who specializes in extramarital affair recovery, I want to tell you what I have heard many men say.  Since I have heard it repeated so often, I have come to believe that very often, these truly represent what many of them are feeling.

1. He had hoped that you would never find out.

This may not be as hard to believe as the others though some men have not even covered up their tracks very well.   Yet at least as men enter these relationships, they tend to assume that they can keep it under cover and not hurt you.

2. He wants you to believe he didn’t intended for things to get out of hand.

Many times these relationships move from a casual work experience together to a friendship over lunch to a much deeper kind of sharing.  At the beginning, this truly may not have been part of his plan.

Many men do not imagine that you will experience this as an affair.  Only when it becomes sexual do they recognize they have crossed the line.

At the same time marriage counselors tend to agree that most women are pained by the intimate sharing than men will recognize.  For them, the openness especially if there is talk about how the marriage is not working, represents a betrayal of what they thought of what you felt should be “between us.”

3.  He can’t believe that he has done this to you.

You may be totally surprised that this person whose values you have trusted could have such a breach of character. For many men as well they wake up out of the trance state of the “in love” relationship and can’t believe they have gone against their own values in this way.  Not are their friends surprised but so will be your man.

For more feelings he may be having after an extramarital affair:  click