How Did This Happen?
After pouring their hearts out about how bad their marriage is, a couple will turn to me and ask, “How in the world did we find each other?” Let me share my hunch about this.
People can look across a crowded room and spot the one person who will make their heart beat faster. Yet that’s also the person who, once you get married, may have the potential to drive you bananas.
The Challenge of Triggers
Most of us have hidden childhood triggers. They sneak up on us. Some of us do not like to be told what to do. Others hate clutter around the house. One guy may find he cannot stand the intensity in his partner’s voice. Someone else might not be able to abide any excessive spending, while others don’t worry about the credit card debt.
Each experience can be a trigger for you to gnash your teeth. You may decide to be very rational and gently inform your partner that telling you what to do is driving you crazy.
Your Partner Has One Too
But you may have a surprise: you’ve found a partner who grew up in a world where she constantly had to anticipate what could go wrong. Just the thought that if she doesn’t tell you what she perceives as a problem, she may fear that all chaos will break loose, and she will predict the end of the world.
The edge in your voice seems to portend something violent next. You see, somehow, triggered by small things like someone’s posture, you will unconsciously suspect that something bad is about to explode. So, we become seemingly irrational and reactive. though it is usually completely a surprise to you.
Fear Not, Something Can Be Done
Now you arrive at your marriage counselor’s office, feeling like it’s one step away from a divorce lawyer. So, let’s explore what you can do about this. It seems hard to understand why your simple request for a different approach from your partner doesn’t lead to change. Can’t they see how much they are hurting you?
Well, when there’s a trigger, you’re barking up the wrong tree. We, marriage counselors, feel that most partners come in with a simple assumption. If you could just change this person I want to love, I could be happy.
Well, you know the old joke, how many people does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one, but the light bulb has to want to change. Each of you has run into a part of your partner that has a long history that says, “Don’t you understand? It’s dangerous to change.”
Why It’s So Hard To Change
The brain develops certain rutted pathways and makes assumptions about how the future will pan out. If you have ever touched a hot stove, your brain will act more quickly than you can think to keep your hand away from that red burner.
Change Your State
So, before you challenge your beloved to care about what hurts you, you may want to take a breath and breathe out slowly. Don’t forget, breathing in for a count of four and out for a count of eight a few times sends a message to your brain that you are back in charge. It’s a quick way to relax and break out of black-and-white thinking.
This may surprise you when you discover that you can both shift into a calmer space and be less reactive. You have just moved out of what I like to call an amygdala hijack.
The rational thinking part of your brain has just shut down. Now, each of you may be convinced that there are no shades of gray. Suddenly you find yourself perfectly clear somebody’s got to be wrong. Since you know it’s not yourself, it has to be your partner.
Getting to the Point of Less Danger
By breathing in for 4 and out for 8, you begin to take a moment to let your brain catch up with your new sense that there’s less danger here. Instead of being triggered by a harsh tone of voice, for example, you can now react simply to what has been requested. You might lower your voice without feeling diminished by responding to a reasonable request like ” Let’s brainstorm about what would work here.”
If the breathing exercise does not change your state, you may want to use one of the best marriage-saving techniques: call a time-out. Sometimes when I suggest that couples will say, “Oh, we have tried that, and it never works.
So, I ask them to slow down and make sure they have created a covenant to grant to the other a time-out when requested.
The Time Out Protocol
I explain that the person with abandonment issues will probably protest. I encourage that person to develop self-soothing rituals to move away from rehearsing how bad the other person is or sinking into the all-alone feeling, and to recognize that when each of you calms down, you can come back together to brainstorm what would work. (See article on Time-outs and Cease Fires).
I suggest that the protocol for requesting a time-out includes several steps. First, it helps to say I am feeling flooded. Note carefully that this does not give you permission to say, “You are making me feel flooded. Your ownership of the feeling of being overwhelmed keeps the other person from getting defensive.
Secondly, suggest a time when you feel you could get back together to hash things out creatively. Finally, though it may be hard, try to say, “I love you.”
Of course, needless to say, woe be unto the person who requests a time-out if that person does not show up on time to pick up the discussion.
Using this protocol and even practicing it ahead of time can sidetrack a mountain of extended conflict. Couples come to trust it once they try it (Why Time Out Protocol Works).
So basically, recognizing that each of you can feel triggered, knowing ways to lower the intensity, and pausing to wait until a time when you both can process it creatively builds the bond of trust between you.
Mind Altering Resolution
So, here’s the answer to the question: how did we find each other? You probably saw across the crowded room someone whose mannerisms reminded you of your parents. You may have hoped that with this person you could finally engage someone to love you. You believed that your love would win them over.
By rising above your partner’s triggers, you can build a bridge of understanding. You can both feel you have someone who loves you and will be there when things become tough.
For counseling, please call Dr. Jim Walkup at 914-548-8645. As a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of New York, he helps couples reclaim their marriage.
