A research study by psychologists at UCLA discovered that women who had premarital doubts are two and a half times more likely to get divorced in 4 years. If you find your self upset about any of these things, don’t hesitate learn the tools and skills to deal with these issues. They do not mean that you should not get married. They do mean you will need some help to start off on the right foot.
1. We fight a lot and don’t seem to resolve things
Fighting happens in most marriages. In fact if you don’t have arguments , you probably aren’t stating what you really need. However, heated discussions where one or both of you tends to engage in unlimited character assassination calls for first aid. Learn the protocol of time-outs so that you can move away from name calling or worse. Pick up the next day when you both have cooled off and can think with out attacking. Couples who do not make up after a good donnybrook will grow more and more distant.
2. One of us drinks too much and we become distant or cold the next day.
Part of moving towards marriage includes moving toward a mature drinking pattern where your partner does not suffer the aftermath of too much drinking. You will gain much by addressing this now rather than hoping it will go away after you marry Allow each other to know what too much substance abuse means to you. This pertains particularly if one or both of you have come from families where overuse of drugs or alcohol became a problem.
3. I am afraid my fiance just needs too much control.
If your partner gets mad and sulks when you go against his or or her plans, you may want to get counseling to learn some negotiating skills. Through out your marriage you will need to have your own voice. Discover the fine art of win-win solutions. Teach each othe
4. Our interests are not really alike.
Couples need to share some interests whether it’s movies or sports or traveling. When you fall in love, you will be willing to do almost anything with the other. You naturally feel like you can talk all night. Studies show that couples who share some things in common, feel they can get away from their kids and do something that gives them life again as a couple. A taste for wonderful restaurants, enjoying parties with friends, or going to art museums can all give you something to enjoy together through out your life.
5. Your partner doe not seem willing to spend time with your friends.
Get to know each other’s friends and begin to find couple friends that are deeply committed to making their marriages work. If you are uncomfortable with the values of the your partner’s friends, be cautious. They may represent a side of your fiance that will come out later.
6. I worry that my intimate other struggles with depression and is only happy around me and so needs me all the time.
Depression can destroy a marriage if it’s untreated. It’s treatable and can respond to medication. Feeling that love has become heavy and dull will weigh on your partnership and keep you from doing activities that you can enjoy together. The same goes for feeling trapped in a job that doesn’t reward your beloved. Bad long term career choices can sink your relationship unless there’s the freedom to take leadership to find something that would be meaningful. Trust your intuition that you can tell whether your partner feels the job uses the best of what he or she wants to offer.
7. When I have asked him to get help, he refuses and doesn’t believe there’s a problem.
Problems early in the relationship signal the need for a solution. Let me encourage you to believe that they do not mean you should not get married. I am just encouraging you to dare to get help early on to save you needless pain. I recommend this because my wife and I had some counseling before we got married which made a difference from the get-go.
Anticipating some of the rough patches where you may find yourselves getting stuck can serve as a mature place to give yourself the best launching pad. You are probably comfortable with the idea of a tennis coach or a career coach. Premarital counseling falls into the same category. Don’t feel stupid because your golf swing doesn’t match Tiger Woods, just let someone from the outside with experience, suggest ways to interact that will give you both satisfaction and joy.
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