In making your wedding plans, you may be startled by the feeling of the “forever” promises you are about to make, Up until now, you may have focused on: “Will he or won’t he pop the question. “Now you are settling into feeling the permanency of saying, “Yes.”.
Along with your plans to create the wedding of your dreams, comes a new sense of, “is this what our life will be like forever?”
The value of the engagement lies in your having time to adjust to becoming a couple with a commitment. Now that you both have sealed a pact to move toward the future together expect some of these disagreements.
- Surprise: You’re Not Twins
You will begin to notice that you and your fiance are very different. When you grew up, you remember the sheer delight at finding a girlfriend who loved just what you loved, someone who mirrored your tastes, loved your music, or picked out the same kind of clothes.
Probably you have fallen in love with someone who does indeed enjoy some of your favorite activities. But slowly, as the sense of” this will be our life” kicks in, you may find yourself reacting to little things that “just feel like someone is not supposed to be that way.” Whether it’s picking up their clothes, writing thank you notes to your parents, or just wanting to hang out on weekends after a tiring workweek, you may feel like, “This long-term relationship may challenge me more than I thought.
- Getting Along With His Family
In an ideal world, your families have the same customs, values, and expectations. Many partners attach to a slightly different tribe than their own. Like others, you may have selected someone whose family has shaped him in a variety of ways, and that’s part of the attraction.
I remember as I would cross the Virginia line to see my parents, I find myself slipping down into my seat and slowing down into more of a Southern drawl. I felt like I was one of the guys sitting on the porch in “He Haw.” Now I had married my wife from Pittsburgh, who approached life with focused energy.
Sitting around and chewing the fat just was not her style. It took us awhile to make room for us to deal the contrast in our parents. My parents would come and stay for a week when her parents would drive eight hours and spend a dinner with us, stay at a nearby motel and leave the next day.
When you mom expects a hand written thank you card that you may find yourself caught in the middle of fielding their hurt and expectations. You have gotten used to going along with you mom’s excessive need to be praised. After all, it’s the water you swam in for years. Your partner might not kowtow because he hates having to live up to someone’s demands.
- Finding A Workable Disagreement Style
I grew up in a family that got quite uncomfortable with any curse words. If you did as well, you might find yourself amazed that your fiancé can be off and running about a minor misunderstanding, with few inhibitions about his sailor like repartee. He may have learned to let such words be water off a duck’s back, but you may find yourself playing and replaying the tape afterward. If you had said something like that, you would have been grounded for a week.
Challenge yourself to realize that you grew up in different familial customs. You can let go of the angst that these words would have kicked up as you were growing up. They do not have the same meaning.
- Finding A Balance Between “Alone Time” Versus “Together Time.”
If you came from a family of extroverts who loved nothing more than talking around the dinner table until midnight, you might pick an introvert as a fiancé. Now understand, this does not mean that your hubby does not love people. Unlike the people you grew up with, he may demand some alone time to decompress after work or leave a party much earlier than you.
You see, unlike you, he does not talk to hear himself think. He does not recharge his batteries while socializing. Instead, he is putting out energy. He will want time to catch up inside with all that has gone down and sort what it all means.
Then he may love to talk to you the next day. You can resolve conflict if you understand your different personality type. Neither of you has to sit in the seat of the one who’s to blame. You’re just not alike. See Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.
Going Out With “The Guys” May Seem Like He’s Not Growing Up
If his idea of fun still centers on going out to a bar with the guys and getting drunk, you may find yourself confused. While you may associate such activity as college behavior, now you will find yourself moving into couple friendships. You may want to go out together and come home at a reasonable hour.
Many couples struggle with this problem as they settle into a lifestyle together conducive to a long marriage. You may know that you very much prefer that your partner not hang out with the single guys who flirt with women or who put down the concept of any woman tying them down.
Take time to share this yearning, not when he gets home late but when you can relax and plan for how you hope to spend time together in the future. Develop friendships with people who believe in guarding the safety of marriage. You will find you can set this boundary as you commit to a future together.
Want to get off on the right foot? Premarital Counseling will save you heartache in the future and give you the tools to build your relationship to last a lifetime. For an appointment in Manhattan or White Plains NY, call Dr. Jim at 914-5448-8645.