Help My Wife Is Having An Affair

Perhaps you found a stash of letters, glanced at some old emails, looked at the cell phone calls or even tracked her down when she was on a so-called business trip. No matter how you found out, you like most men are feeling hurt and betrayed. To find out your wife is having an affair if you had not suspected it make you fear that you can never trust her again. If you suspected and have now found out, you may feel at a total loss as what to do.

One part of you may want to confront her with the evidence and yell and scream at her for a month. One part of you may want not to tell but test her to see if she continues to mislead you. Another part of you may want to confront the other guy. Another part of you may want to pretend you never found out but it’s eating away at your gut.

You may remember that she has been trying to get you to go to a marriage counselor for years. You may have sensed that she was no longer interested or known that you had been drifting apart for awhile. Still, you probably did not expect her to have a marital affair. Even if you are only in a relationship with your girlfriend and living together, you probably feel outraged. You may have assumed that the two of you had an exclusive relationship. This simply does not compute.

Before you take any draconian steps, take a few minutes to evaluate where you are and what your options might be. Look at the possibilities and the impact it could have on the healing or further tearing apart of your relationship.
Take time to cool off and look at what is the best step to take for the outcome that is best for you, your children and even for your wife.

Click below for articles written specifically for men to understand their feelings about their wife having an affair.

Perhaps you found a stash of letters, glanced at some old emails, looked at the cell phone calls or even tracked her down when she was on a so-called business trip. No matter how you found out, most men feel betrayed. To find out your wife is having an affair shatters your sense of reality. You never believed that she could be unfaithful to you. Her infidelity had not crossed your mind.

You may remember that she has been trying to get you to go to a marriage counselor for years. You may have sensed that she was no longer interested or that you had been drifting apart for awhile. Still, you probably did not expect her to have a marital affair. Even if you are only in a relationship with your girlfriend and only living together, your mind may be blown.  You could not understand her sleeping with another man.  You simply cannot understand your feelings.  You had assumed that exclusive committment was assumed.

Somehow we think of men being the affair seekers. But especially now that so many women are working in the business world, they are beginning to catch up with men. Peggy Vaughn, who specializes in issues around affairs, say a conservative estimate puts the figure at sixty per cent for men and forty per cent for women.

Prepare  for a time of extreme emotions. As you prepare to communicate what you have learned, slow down just a bit. You may feel your masculinity has been challenged. You may not like the feeling of having been cuckolded. Yet hold on. You need to make a basic decision: Do you want to look at the possibility of saving the marriage? If you are reading this, you are probably leaning in that direction. You may even want to have an extended session of affair recovery counseling with a marriage counselor to help you begin rebuilding trust.

Many men like many women realize that as angry as they are, they do still love their partner   Or you may want to save the marriage for the sake of the children. If so, allow yourself to cool off and to approach things with some humility. Expressing the full force of your rage may drive your wife into being defensive and racing to the arms of the man she has had the affair with.

As you approach the conversation, challenge yourself to own any issues that might have contributed to the distance between you. Doing so will invite your wife to recognize that you have heard some of the things she has tried to tell you in the past. She will recognize that you are reaching out rather than condemning her as the whole reason that this has happened.

Tell her as soon as you can find a good way to do be open. Many husbands seek to catch their wives in lies and that will only exacerbate your anger and increase her sense of resentment. Resist the impulse to pump her for details. She will probably only trust you with details after she has come to trust that you will not use the details against her. Be sure that you are ready for the details.  There is danger that you will be told images and pictures that you will never be able to get out of your mnd.  Remember many spouses do not know at this point whether they are headed to the divorce court or to a marriage counselor’s office.

If you can, simply tell her that you do want to come understand what has led up to this and that you would like see if you can create a new relationship. Of course, it will never be the same but many couples feel that they have found a new level of intimacy that they never had before. Eighty-five per cent of the couples who do come to marriage counseling after an affair strengthen their marriage and make a new commitment. If I can be helpful, give me a call to set up an appointment in my Manhattan or Bronxville office at 914 548 8645.

-Dr, Jim Walkup

Click for More Articles on Extramarital Affair Recovery by Dr. Walkup

Other Resources on the Web

“The Impact of an Extramarital Affair on the Children:” From the New York Times
“Infidelity:” Statement from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists