Time: The Bare Minimum for Maintaining a Good Relationship
Not spending enough time as a couple can lead to a relationship crisis. Couples often come to my office and say they have hardly seen each other since the last session.. One has been on the road and the other has been pulling off a community project and they have scarcely have had time to say. “Hello” or “Goodbye.”
You live a world with the realities of 12-hour jobs, children, commutes, making partner, and dealing with your parent’s illness. So what is the bare minimum relational time requirement (MRTR). Without showing up in each otherxS. lives you may not like your partnerxs predominant reaction when you walk in the door.
Now this may take two forms, on the one hand, your partner may seem surprisingly and even uncharacteristically distant. Or you may find yourself bombarded with accusations with the main theme being: xYou never make enough time for me.x As a marriage counselor, let me suggest that you make certain rituals sacred for maintaining the health of you marriage. Believe me, divorce is much more time consuming.
Now you may want to quote chapter and verse to me about how you don’t have a second to catch up with your partner. I do understand. The pressure in our culture just to keep up is so intense that itxs hard to believe we arenxt all dying from high blood pressure.
For relationship survival purposes pay attention to the MRTR. Let me make some simple suggestions that might not take as much time as you expect. When you take the time to honor these habits of connection, you insure your “couple hood” is not lost in the shuffle.
Begin by checking in on what’s on your partner’s agenda for the day. Look for anything that will be challenging, dreadful, exciting or meaningful. Take on the role of a good coach: use encouraging words, express concern, and inspire confidence . Saying xI bet that will be tough but I know that you can do itx will be a positive voice that will echo in your partnerxs head all day.
Say goodbye with a genuine hug and kiss. You may not have to mess up make up but it helps to enjoy a real moment of bodily contact before you leave. Looking into each otherxs eyes will lead to some word of affirmation after the hug will lead to both of you feeling that someone is behind you as you take on the challenges of the day.
In the evening as you walk into the house, look for your partner and exchange another hello and kiss. You may know you need 15 or 20 minutes to decompress but do check in as a way of saying, “I want to be sure you are all right.” Later when you have decompressed, catch up with the highs and lows of the day. If you donxt know whatxs happened in your partnerxs life, you may not understand the tension in your partnerxs eyes. You might assume that he or she is mad at you. Sometimes sharing on a scale of 1 to 10 about how you feel about your day, can lead to a quick sense of what your partner is and leads to a sense of what’s up.
Marriage is like group therapy. The quiet participant often becomes a lightning rod for everyonexs projections. They begin to assume that the silent one is angry, or feels superior, or does not care. Similarly, when you and your partner are disconnected, one of you will likely begin to imagine that the other’s irritated or detached. When you and your partner do compare notes for just a few minutes even, you can quickly reassure the other with xItxs not you, but I just feel like I will never get on top of all the things on my agenda today.x Then you both can relax and go about finishing your to do list while knowing that your partner is behind you.
On the other hand when either or both of you keep expressing xHow tired you are,x you will need to stop and do a reality check. Have you named tiredness when you are suffering from some depression? You might look for the same concern if one of you seems angry all of the time. Depression often hides beyond exhaustion or reactive attacks. (Click for Part Two)
