When you turn to your partner...

Dr-Jim

THE HEART OF RELATIONSHIPS: BEING THERE FOR THE OTHER
Perhaps, the two of you simply can not communicate or you have just had a useless fight. You may have even thought of divorce. Yet you know you don’t really want that. Maybe one of you has a job requiring travel or late hours. The time left, goes to your kids. In the middle of the night, you realize you are losing each other. At times of crisis, you wonder if he/she will be there. You know something has to change. I am so glad you have found this web site. Let this be your 911 resource for your crisis. Something has to change and I want to help you. I bring 40 years of experience in helping couples just like you. I can help you regain that “in love feeling” Consider setting up an appointment today before the pain gets worse at 914 548 8645.

Love the One You Love

Be alert: jobs, children, sickness or problems with other family members can be hazardous to your marriage or relationship.  Catch the early warning signs.

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If you are concerned about your relationship with your beloved, trust it. Couples often wait up to six years before they seek help even though they have begun to feel distant from each other.

Don’t be a part of this statistic.  By then your pain may have hardened into scar tissue.  Then even your marriage counselor may have trouble bringing you back together.

Most couples will tell me that after they had their children…

Click for More about Loving the One You Love

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7 Feelings of Husband Who’s Had an Affair

After you have confronted him about the cheating, you may wonder what he is feeling.  Since he has betrayed your trust in such a painful way, you may find it hard to believe anything he is saying.

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As someone who specializes in extramarital affair recovery, I want to tell you what I have heard many men say.  Since I have heard it repeated so often, I have come to believe these truly represent what many of them are feeling.

1. He had hoped that you would never find out.

This may not be as hard to believe as the others though some men have not even covered up their tracks very well.   Yet at least as men enter these relationships, they tend to assume that they can keep it under cover and not hurt you.

2. He wants you to believe he didn’t intended for things to get out of hand.

Many times these relationships move from a casual work experience together to a friendship over lunch to a much deeper kind of sharing.  At the beginning, this truly may not have been part of his plan.

Many men do not imagine that you will experience this as an affair.  Only when it becomes sexual do they recognize they have crossed the line.

At the same time marriage counselors tend to agree that most women are pained by the intimate sharing than men will recognize.  For them, the openness especially if there is talk about how the marriage is not working, represents a betrayal of what they thought of what you felt should be “between us.”

3.  He can’t believe that he has done this to you.

You may be totally surprised that this person whose values you have trusted could have such a breach of character. For many men as well they wake up out of the trance state of the “in love” relationship and can’t believe they have gone against their own values in this way.  Not are their friends surprised but so will be your man.

4. He is blown away by how much pain he has caused you.

You are experiencing more pain than you have at any other time in your life. The tsunami of feelings will overwhelm you. Believe me here, men do not have categories to appreciate how deep the kick to the stomach is that you experience each time you think of it.

Here’s where good relationship counseling can help. Someone experienced in this area can help your mate appreciate that this is a predictable impact even though they did not expect it.

5. He wishes you could move beyond it and not keep bringing it up.

Over and over men will say to me that they just want their wives to more on and get beyond and focus on what could be built now. You may need to talk about in the middle of the night. He may have this profound sense of “Do we have to talk about it now? We are both too tired to talk intelligently about anything.”

6. He does not know what to say when you want to go over it again.

The problem is that you are feeling like a police officer who wants to go over the story many times to see if you have all of the details and if he changes his story. You naturally have doubts that you are getting the whole story when he had so much trouble revealing the full picture in the first place.

Most guys feel like they have tried to dredge up all of the details. They cannot believe that telling you anything more will help you feel grounded. Instead with each new detail, they imagine you will just feel more hurt, anger and rejection.

What they do not realize is that his having the courage to tell the whole story is a step toward helping you trust rather than continuing to protect the other woman.

He can see your pain but he like you may not what will lead to your feeling reassured. You have to look for that together.

7. He feels interrogated and wishes he could defend himself and knows he can’t.

On the one hand he wants to even blame you for some of what has happened. Yet he may recognize that any hint of taking full responsibility will look like he’s trying to deny what he has done and the pain it’s caused.

In the initial stages he knows he must constantly take responsibility for the step he has taken to reach beyond the promise of fidelity.

However, over time, you both need to put together a story of some of the many factors on both sides that made the marriage vulnerable to the possibility of the cheating. Otherwise you are clinging to a victim role rather than exploring the changes that can happen now in order to rebuild trust.

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Flashbacks-Recall & Reliving of Memories Related to Infidelity

You’re watching a movie and there’s mention of someone having an extramarital affair.  Suddenly you find yourself replaying all of the fantasies and feelings that you had when you learned about the details of your partner’s affair.  You are not just watching a movie but all of the body sensations and anger and hurt race through your body and mind.

What you are experiencing is a flashback.  After 9/11, people would become afraid just looking at beautiful blues skies because that’s what their body remembers seeing right before the planes decimated the world trade center.  Your are having a PTSD like experience.

Others who have not been through a serious trauma will not appreciate your feelings of  vulnerability and defensive anger.  Your partner  feel blown away by the amount of hurt that this flashback has triggered.  He or she  may seek to urge you to move on out of these feelings which will seem like a totally unreasonable demand.

To read more about flashbacks click: Coping with Flashbacks by Matthew Tull

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How To Keep the Sizzle in Your Love Life

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Have you lost some of the sensuous feelings you had when you first got married?  Do you sometimes forget that you are attracted to the one you love?

Over time the familiarity does not perpetuate intense erotic desire.  Having children often leads to less intimacy between couples.

If you sense a growing distance between you, click for more

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Dr. Jim Walkup, Director

Call Dr. Jim Walkup for a 10 Minute Telephone Conversation. 914-548-8645

 Associate Therapist Providing Saturday Hours

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 Carrie Babe M.S.

773.236.8397

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Locations

Locations

Mid-Manhattan Office:
Suite 640
115 East 57th Street @ Park Avenue
New York City, NY 10022
914 548 8645

The Counseling Center:
180 Pondfield Road
Bronxville, NY (Westchester County) 10708
914 548 8645