Speak when you are angry–and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.

Laurence J. Peter (1919 – 1988)

Let me describe a different way of approaching your feelings.  Feelings are facts that are pertinent information in any relationship. Yet, when those feelings emerge, and how they emerge can either build a relationship or destroy it.  Letting your feelings out when your and your partner are tired and exhausted can have the impact of creating something approximating Armageddon.
First you need to know that, feelings are secondary emotions.  Underneath the overlay of  rage lies our very vulnerable feelings. You may feel hurt, dismissed, ignored, sad, lost, or abandoned.

Expressing these more vulnerable emotions can actually invite your partner to support and care about you.  Whereas blowing your partner out of the water usually elicits an equal reaction of rage.

If you say on the other hand, “When you didn’t call, I was afraid you had had an automobile accident, will invite some appreciation for your feelings. You may even receive a hug.
So instead of expressing the feelings with outrage, you share the feelings with a sense of vulnerability. You are reaching out with your feelings and inviting someone else to appreciate and care about what is happening inside of you. Such reflective sharing can engage a response of brainstorming about what can be done.

Have you noticed how automatic it is to attack when you are feeling upset? It’s feels as if the louder and more negative you are, the more likely you will get someone to change. But how many times have you blown up with anger and gotten the exact opposite response.
The intense voice invites defensiveness and attacks: “It’s not m , it’s really you. You’re the one who didn’t —— (fill in the blank)” Usually your severity will trigger a sense in the other of feeling under siege. You partner most likely  will want to run, freeze or attack you.
Sharing your vulnerable feelings with your partner will be more compelling. This allows them to care and connect to where you are. If you say, I feel afraid that you don’t care about me when we don’t spend much time together, you’ll invite concern. Your partner will be much more willing to engage in reflecting about what can be done about it.
You will find that when you are angry, you just want someone to understand and appreciate the hurt or sense of injustice that you are feeling. Normally this creates spaciousness in relationships for creative responses.
So what about those times when you feel that your outrage is about to break out and destroy another? What can you do to move from a reactive outburst to finding the time and the place to share your feelings?

When you need to restrain yourself, try this very powerful tool of anger control. Practice taking a deep breath and bringing consciousness to being present in your body. Move into a space in which you are symbolically putting a caring hand on your own shoulder. From that place of consciousness, allow yourself to switch into an observing role.   Acknowledge and appreciate the feelings that are floating down the river of your consciousness. Let yourself notice how your stomach is churning. Notice the flash of resentment that you feel when attacked.

Having felt empathy for your own feelings, remind yourself that your partner is struggling too. He or she, like you, are simply trying to make life with what they have and what they know.  As you breathe, let yourself appreciate that this person is probably hurting too. They may be stressed out so that their vituperativeness is probably not personal but more a reaction to feeling burdened themselves.

By moving to a consciousness of your breathing, you become witness to what is going on. You observe your feelings and the other’s reactions. Yet, you do not become your negative feelings. You do not have to act them out. By turning your awareness to breathing, you can build just enough distance to have some perspective. You will gain the freedom to recognize your reactions and give them their due as a witness to them. But you can let them float on down the river. You do not have to become the feeling or act it out!
Later, when you both in a more relaxed place, you probably can say what you need to say about where you are. You can be free to share rather than explode in response to them. Of course, this takes much practice. You may find it helpful to meditate or do yoga or Tai Chi to strengthen this freedom to be reflective.

Imagine yourself in a situation of being attacked and see yourself breathing and observing rather than feeling and acting. Envision a sequence of noticing your feelings, empathizing with your feelings and choosing the best way, time and place to explore them with your partner. You may be amazed with your new found freedom to be less explosive.  You may  be amazed at the  new level of intimacy and trust that grows between you and your beloved.

Other Online Articles:

Feeling Better Through Breathing – From Pergasus Mind Body NLP Site